Thomas died one year ago tonight. November 28th, 2011 will always be the worst, most terrifying night of my life.
I have to be honest....today was hard.
It was nice, though, to have a day to plow through the memories and sadness, and to "honor my grief". The weather was cold and dreary, which was fitting. I went to the cemetery, looked at pictures, and looked at Thomas's box of things from the hospital. I also read through the blog for the first time. I enjoyed reading about the good days, but it was hard to relive the dark days.
It was a hard day, but a good day. My tears were there, but not constant. I am so glad that this year of firsts is over. There are no more days to dread. I can already tell I am feeling calmer. November will always be a tough month, but at least I will know what to expect.
I am comforted by the fact that my worst night was Thomas's best night.....his first night in heaven. God is so good, and I am truly amazed when I think about how much healing has occurred in my heart over the past year. When people ask how we are doing, I can honestly say we are doing well. God's grace is truly enough for each day.
"The minute I said 'I'm slipping, I'm falling,' your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up."
Psalm 94:18-19 The Message
"This is what is compelling about the cross: its two aspects of suffering and glory. Christ suffered in the extreme for us, and by his suffering he assured that two things will happen to our suffering: First, it will have meaning when linked through prayer to the cross. Second, it will be over. A better day is coming: new heavens and a new earth, new bodies, unbent, unbroken, unstained by tears. This is our hope. We are not meant for death and sorrow but for life and joy." A Grief Unveiled, Gregory Floyd